Live! At the Whiney-A-Go-Go!

July 17, 2006

Thumb of Darkness

Filed under: life — letslucky @ 8:57 am

I am a serial killer. Of houseplants.

They rotate through my lair, never suspecting that this will be their last stop. In the next life each plant will be a vicious child and I’ll be the fly they pull the wings off of, over and over as I’m resurrected so that each one can take a crack at me.

I had a consultant come into the office to design our “interior-scape” and give an estimate on what a plant service would cost. Right now the office has three plants, supplied and “cared” for by me. One is fresh, one is not dead yet, and one is almost dead. The consultants said “we can use the other two… but this one you should just ditch. Or take it home and nurse it.”

He so funny.

I’ve needed to repot my plants at home for, oh, a year or so. All those books that say what time of year you should plant, repot, feed, prune, etc. are useless to me because these things happen when I get around to it, and not a moment sooner. If it’s not the right time of year, then the poor babies are screwed because it will be months before I’m in a potting mood again.

I spent the afternoon mixing new soil, excavating the dead plants, putting everybody in nice new roomy pots, and watering them all (except the cactus) very thoroughly. By then it was sunset, and I wanted to give them a chance to drain before bringing them inside, since I usually kill plants via root rot. When I don’t kill them from underwatering, that is.
I left them on the back patio to drain and rest overnight, then spent the evening pulling cactus spines out of my arms and hands. Then I, um, lost track of time.

Two days later, all these little darlings who are used to the low light I barely allow them indoors have been baking in the sun. It’s not that they’ve dried up — it’s that they sensed the abundance of sunshine and started the chlorophyll cranking away. And cranking and cranking. Now their leaves are white and droopy, feeling the plant version of a thanksgiving day where you have to visit three or four houses. Bloat.

They’re indoors again, and we’ll see how long they last. See, plants need consistency, and if I’m anything, I’m inconsistent. Except for the things I’m very consistent about, which really just proves my point.

I bet they’ll all die anyway. Except the frickin cactus, who has a weapon against me.

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