Live! At the Whiney-A-Go-Go!

August 6, 2006

Let’s Neighbor!

Filed under: life — letslucky @ 6:04 pm

Please allow me to introduce you to my neighbors, whom we affectionately call the McLoudertons.

The dad, Shouty McLouderton, ensures the safety of the neighborhood by providing an excuse for police visits to our block. Hello, Officer! Hello, Shouty! Nice undershorts you’re wearing! Been fighting with the wife again, I see!

The lovely wife is Screechy Shoutzalot-McLouderton. We can thank her for letting us know the name of every resident of the house. Shouty, come to dinner! Shouty, this is an emergency! I have a broken toe and can’t take care of it! Shouty, I will not support your lifestyle!

When I heard that I thought OH MY GOD SHOUTY IS GAY! But it turns out that no, the lifestyle she was referring to is the not-working one.

Screechy has some small business that has something to do with dogs. I only hope, for her clients’ sake, that it’s not a dog training business. The McLouderton dogs are all of the below-the-knee style whose voices belie their stature. At 4am. Every night. Right outside my bedroom window.

I think that her business has to do with dog grooming. I infer this from her own hairstyle.

The child, whom J dubbed Freakshow McLouderton, leaves for day care at 7:30am and returns at 4pm. I know this because I can hear it. The morning song includes several choruses of “I Can’t Find My Shoes,” “Don’t Wear Your Nice Pants,” and “Come On, We’re Late.” I think the child is trained in opera, since most of his soprano is unintelligible to me. How lovely that they’re teaching him Italian at such a young age.

In the evenings, Freakshow delights us with playing outside, every single day. The games he plays consist mostly of sound effects, and seem to be recreations of the TV shows we hear all the time. It seems that the McLoudertons have a special TV that has no buttons, cannot be turned off or adjusted, and receives only The 24-Hour Explosions Channel.

I’m not really sure why these darling folks want to live their lives outside their home, but everything seems to take place on their front porch, which is about 10 feet from my bedroom window. A special treat (not rare, but special nonetheless) is when Screechy has her long phone conversations with friends about the shenanigans of Shouty and his gang. Oh, the hilarity! I can scarcely keep my earplugs in from laughing so hard!

And there you have it, the entertainment brought right to our window.


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