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August 8, 2006

It’s All Fun And Games Until Somebody Loses An Eye

Filed under: life — letslucky @ 7:42 pm

A short time ago, a friend brought it to my attention that I have, apparently, a different take on things than most of the world.


But this one took me by surprise. See, when you have disorders like Major Depression, you get used to answering questions like “I am more self-blaming than usual” (what the hell does THAT mean???) or “I often think of suicide or death.”

What’s often? What’s thinking?

I always assumed that the question was about actual plans, ideation, or even making schedules and gathering the necessariy materials. I haven’t done that for a long time, so I always jauntily checked the “oh no, I’m perfectly fine!” box.

Then my friend suggested that maybe I wasn’t really getting it, and pointed me to yet another suicide survey that worded things a little differently.

“I think of suicide or death several times a week for several minutes.”

Well, duh. Who doesn’t? As far as I know, everyone looks at the world the same as me. Every question, every decision, every junction has the option of suicide. Should I apologize to my best friend for stealing her boyfriend, or should I kill myself instead? Should I stay up all night to finish this paper or maybe find something to plagiarize and then get some sleep, or should I just off myself? Hmmm, what’s for breakfast, Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, or suicide?”

You can see why I never walk into a video rental store. Too many decisions, and all of them have what I’ve come to call Option S.

Now, now. Don’t go calling the me in white suits for me — it’s really not that bad. I don’t generally consider bullets instead of cereal anymore. But still, is just the idea really such a factor for diagnosis? Do people really go weeks without the thought even entering their heads? I’m not sure I can measure it in hours, even on my good days.

A couple of my very close friends were shocked when they saw this particular aspect of my thought processes. “Why didn’t you tell me before??” It’s a wierd question. For example I have no idea how my best friend chooses to go about the process of clipping her toenails. There are many approaches. We have never discussed details. I would bet folded money that it never occurred to her to bring it up.

I’m the same way. Why on earth would I bring it up? It’s as much a part of my background thought processes as the way I start to describe things in literary third-person phrases when I’ve been spending too much time reading, or how I get all mucousy after lunch and have to blow my nose a lot. Big deal.
This is my idea of mental stability. I’ve never known any other.. I had no idea that when the doctor would ask about feelings of suicide that I was supposed to report about the last 10 minutes of my thoughts. I thought it was just about the important stuff, like buying the gun. So I always said no, I don t THINK about it. I just think about it.

think (transitive verb)
1 : to form or have in the mind
2 : to have as an intention <thought to return early>
3 a : to have as an opinion <think it’s so> b : to regard as : CONSIDER <think the rule unfair>
4 a : to reflect on : PONDER <think the matter over> b : to determine by reflecting <think what to do next>
5 : to call to mind : REMEMBER <he never thinks to ask how we do>
6 : to devise by thinking — usually used with up <thought up a plan to escape>
7 : to have as an expectation : ANTICIPATE <we didn’t think we’d have any trouble>
8 a : to center one’s thoughts on <talks and thinks business> b : to form a mental picture of
9 : to subject to the processes of logical thought <think things out>

Maybe I should not have assumed that meaning 1 was the intent. Maybe they were asking about meaning 2. Maybe I’m not as healthy as I thought.

Then again, I can’t imagine living life without the built-in Get Out Of Jail Free card. It’s unfathomable to try to face some of the what the world throws you without considering the option of just checking out. If “ordinary” people really don’t do that, I honestly don’t know how they get through the hard times.


1 Comment »

  1. as-94783-sa

    nice post.


    Comment by mike — September 7, 2006 @ 7:48 am

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