Live! At the Whiney-A-Go-Go!

August 11, 2006

I can’t get on a plane, I’m made of water!

Filed under: life — letslucky @ 9:20 am

The human body is, what, 98% liquid? And guess what I can’t carry onto a plane.

OK, really, every one of my atoms is made up of mostly empty space. Maybe that’s the next thing on the TSA “No” list.

But I’m being unfair. In reality I’m glad that finally, the things being inspected are the things that are actually dangerous. Shoe bombs instead of nail clippers. Liquid explosives instead of my toothpick-sized bamboo sock knitting needles.

And yet, dang! It’s hard to figure out what you’re carrying that’s liquid when it’s something you never considered.

Of course you have to check your toiletries now. Pretty much everything in there is verboten: gel antiperspirant, toothpaste, contact lens solution, moisturizer. But what about the stuff in your purse? Do you have a sample vial of perfume hiding in there somewhere? A moist towelette perhaps? A pair of contact lenses? Hand lotion? Lip gloss?


Just today they loosened the restrictions so that you can bring lipstick on board. Until then, if you worked at the airport behind the security barrier you got to have dry lips. I can’t imagine working on the tarmac in the midwestern winter without chapstick.

I wonder if they would allow you to carry on that gum that has a liquid center?

Even after you get past security, you can’t carry on anything liquid that you bought at the airport. No half-finished drinks, no bottles of water, no Body Shop goodies to get you through the flight. Flying overseas without hand lotion is happening to thousands of people right now. My cuticles weep for them.

The overhead luggage rack is going to be blissfully empty, I bet. Almost every person who is traveling overnight is checking luggage. If you plan to brush your teeth in the morning, you’re in the bag check line. So all those airports that reconfigured themselves to handle gigantically long security lines? Their security lines are quick and short. Now it’s the checkin lines that snake around the sides of hallways, across walkways, down stairs, out into the parking garage. Ah, San Jose airport. I fondly remember waiting in a security line outdoors several years ago. At least now I waiting in the covered garage.

Lucky I’m up at 5am anyway. That’s what time I’d set my alarm to make sure I would catch my 11am flight. And I did get through with a few minutes to spare, so I’m taking advantage of one of the perks of not sleeping: you never just woke up, so it’s never too early to sit in Gordon Biersch and sip a Martzen.

Mmmmm beer. Foamy.

I wonder if a lip gloss would fit undetected in my pocket? It wouldn’t show up in the metal detector… Hm…

Then again, I always manage to get chosen for the full frontal search. Better not risk it.



  1. As a man in uniform I respect the publics demand for security, young lady. Think about all the wars we’re presently engaged in to protect your freedom. Is it too much to ask that you refrain from making unpatriotic commentary on the efforts we make to preserve your right to free and open expression. Don’t think the NSA isn’t going to her about this. Oh yeah, they probably have already. And the beer, Martzen, is that one of the Cailfornia type liberal beers? Are you sure you should be flying?

    Comment by Man in Blue — August 12, 2006 @ 10:25 pm

  2. Your German is excellent, to recognize that the beer is from California. It ain’t Bud, anyway.

    But may I say that I have enormous respect for those in uniform, of all types. And I live for giving the NSA interesting things to put in my file. Maybe I’m providing entertainment to some bored night shift worker by giving him something amusing to read?

    It’s the least I can do to help keep the uniform-wearers happy.

    Comment by letslucky — August 13, 2006 @ 4:52 am

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