Live! At the Whiney-A-Go-Go!

August 24, 2006

No comfort, no tuna, no.

Filed under: life — letslucky @ 8:27 pm

J carpools sometimes with a friend who is about the same age as he…

and who died of a massive stroke yesterday.

Heart issues are not unknown to us.
All the men in J’s family have heart attacks in their 50s.

I’m 8 years younger than he.
All the men on both sides of my family live to their 80s or 90s; women last well past 100.

I’m feeling very lonely already. I have decades of widowhood to look forward to..

I crave experience; I want to meet and delve into and KNOW as many people as I can.

But there are times when I feel like that is futile. Everyone I know and love is going to die, and I get to stand around and watch it happen. I was there when my dad died, I’ll be there for Mom too. I’m the youngest, so I’ll probably stand by the gravesites of all six siblings.

I will almost certainly outlast J, and I can’t imagine (and don’t want to imagine) a world without him.

I don’t fear death. My own death is easy — a moment and it’s done. It’s the survivors that feel the pain and the loss.

Is it worth it to love someone? When you know that either they will die and cut you to the quick? Or you will die and hurt them beyond all repair?

This is one of those times when I feel like I don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want experience, I don’t want pain, I don’t even want dullness. I want oblivion and relief.

But instead I put J to bed for a nap, and I make the most comforting food I can imagine. Tuna casserole. And I’m so flustered that I forget to include the tuna.

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