Live! At the Whiney-A-Go-Go!

January 3, 2007

Silence in the eye of the storm

Filed under: life — letslucky @ 4:13 pm

You might have noticed that I haven’t been posting in a little while. OK, who am I kidding. Nobody keeps track like that. Anyway, I have not been silent for lack of material. Oh no. Lots and lots of things have been happening in my life. Now that I’ve passed through the eye of the storm, I’ll be writing them up too, but I need to talk about the big one.

After 16 years of marriage, J and I have decided to separate. I moved out about a month ago, into my own tiny little studio apartment. He is staying in the rental house, taking care of the aging yet surprisingly healthy kitty, Sophie. He and I are staying in touch — in fact, we get along better now than we did for several years. Of course, we haven’t gotten to the part of the breakup where we talk about money, but in the meantime we hang out and watch TV together at least once a week.

Lots of my friends saw this coming, and wondered that I didn’t leave years ago. The last several years have been, frankly, really really awful. Not in terms of the marriage, but because of things like parental illness, parents dying, favorite pets dying, friends getting divorced, friends disappearing into parenthood, job suckage, job loss, economic despair, exile, health crises, broken limbs, and on and on. We had to stick together through those times.

But the fact is, although J is my best friend and I love him dearly, he and I are not very good as partners. He likes to stay at home, I like to go out. He likes to spend money, I like to not just save, but actively NOT spend money. He likes seeing a movie, I think it’s torture to sit still in the dark for two hours. He wants a house with a yard, I hate living on anything lower than the third floor.

But still, we had a great time together. Getting married was the right thing to do. And now, separating is the right thing to do.

So the next few months and years are going to be interesting. I’m going on an exploration of myself. I love adventure, that I’m sure of, and figuring out who I am is turning out to be one hell of an adventure. In the eight weeks since deciding to move out, I’ve learned sea kayaking, had my very first car wreck (don’t worry, no injuries), jumped out of a perfectly good airplane, pierced my tongue, bought tickets to spend my birthday in Paris, made a budget, shed most of my belongings, and realized that maybe on a good day with great lighting I’m not a double-bagger after all.

I’m living by myself for the first time ever, and I AM LOVING IT. I actually went out and BOUGHT things for my place, with some eye toward what they look like instead of just whether they’re practical and how much do they cost. I have an army of friends who gave me 90% of the stuff I need, and Target gift certificates for the rest. I never had the dorm experience, so I’m living like a poor college student. It’s totally great. OK, not quite like a college student, since I don’t have to steal toilet paper from public buildings. But a plate (thank you M) of leftovers (thank you S) and a glass (thank you K) of wine (thank you T) at the table (thank you F) makes a lovely dinner surrounded by concrete objects that say I have friends who love me.

And I can’t wait to see how much better this gets.

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